Beauty Through Pain: Part 2

At five I prayed a simple "sinner's prayer." But it wasn’t until I was 16 that I was struck with an awareness of my sin and need of a Savior (This was at one of Joshua Harris' first conferences). Even though I re-dedicated my life to God, I was still very immature in my spiritual walk. At that time, the only real physical pain I was experiencing was the headache, but I began to think that God must not love me very much if He was going to allow me to be in constant physical pain. I would read scripture and try to tell my self that God really did care for me, but it always sounded hollow and empty, ringing in my pain-filled ears. I was simply not willing to actually trust Him to keep His promises; I was not willing to let go of my hurt and anger over my illness.

This seed of bitterness and discontent also became a source of great spiritual pain, which in turn only made me more discontent and resentful toward God. In anger, I started relying on my own stubborn strength and pride to get me through my days and became less and less interested in what the Lord wanted from me; I was convinced that He could not love me as much as He said He did – and that He must obviously love others more. I also began to think that since I was in “so much pain” I had a right to seek out ways to temporarily make myself feel better, which had the potential of being a very destructive mind-set.


To my headache and bad attitude, I then added a job at the age of 18 that took me away from the protection of home and placed me in an intense, spiritually dark work environment. As these three strains built, my heart began to disregard the instructions of Scripture. In my passive-aggressive manner, I did not outwardly lash out at my authority or blatantly disobey instruction; but I stopped seeking out ways to honor and love people, I had a bitter heart toward those who tried to give me comfort, and I continued to blame God for my pain. I even made a subconscious decision to see how much God would really put up with before he “gave up” on me. I was a very ugly sinner!

Yet, even as I ceased to value the Lord’s commands, I was still blessed with an insight beyond my maturity or own ability to acquire. I would frequently consider my choices and activities as if I were merely an onlooker, observing someone else’s actions from a distance, and I would then weigh the consequences and outcomes of the choices I could make. Through this supernaturally given perspective, I was saved from sinning in ways that would have caused me any “really bad” consequences, although the feeling of being separated from God and the guilt of sin was truly bad enough. I thought I was being smart, when Christ knew that He was the only thing standing between me and what I deserved.

I was working in a very dark place, and I didn’t come away from it without scars. I thoughtlessly found myself alone with young men who were not believers in Christ, had a deluded sense of morality, and who did take advantage of me emotionally and physically, though God still had his arms of protection surrounding me, protecting my purity, and He gave me the will and determination to flee temptation and reject living in sin. When my foolish companions drank, smoked, and did drugs, the Lord steeled my resolve and gave me His words to refuse participating in such activities.

All through this I had the obstinate idea that I had a valid excuse to disobey the Lord’s commands, yet for reasons surpassing my own understanding, I was still sheltered by the Holy Spirit’s direction in my life. The Lord also chose to make me an effective witness of Christ to these same people, though He was working through a very hard heart to do so.

Then, about three years after I started working, God determined the time had come to break this strong-willed, stubborn, bitter daughter of His. The combination of intense spiritual agony brought on by angrily running from God, the constant throbbing headache, and the loneliness of not being willing to seek out godly guidance finally brought me to a place where all of my own strength and pride failed. One night, I fell on my face before God on my bedroom floor and admitted that because of my sin and disobedience, I deserved more than pain; I deserved death! That even if all my physical pain went away, I would still be just as retched and miserable and in need the saving blood of Christ; a Savior greater than what mere man could offer.

I saw my life as this great attempt to build a house of cards to stand on – a house assembled with my own feeble works and excuses. On that night, I watched as every one of those cards came crashing down, with me amongst them, and when I finally stopped falling, I landed in the loving, merciful, strong hands of my Heavenly Father.

From that day on, I began to truly seek the will of God. I had to go through a time of great change, where I looked through the closets of my heart and mind and cleaned out what was detestable in the eyes of Christ (there were a few things in my physical closet that needed to get thrown out as well). This process took quite a while, and the Lord is continuing to convict me of sin. I am still coming across things that the Lord needs to address and that I need to repent of, and I know that in my human weakness, I will be fighting sin for rest of my life.

For the last several years, I have not had an end to my trials, but I have found that my difficulties in this life are truly blessings from God, meant to make me more like His Son, and to bring God glory. Through every new trial, I gain even more knowledge of the attributes of my dear Savior and grow even closer to Him. I am learning what it is to have nothing to lean on but Christ, and that He truly will be faithful in providing and satisfying all that I need. I see a small glimpse of God’s sovereignty, for I would not have a fire for God and the passion for a closer relationship with Him if I had not first seen His mercy displayed in my foolish actions and circumstances.

I still have a strong will. When my will rebels against God, the friction is like brake gears on a car grinding away, stripping me of my peace and joy. However, when my will is submitted to God’s will and purpose, the result is like diamond carving diamond, creating an extremely strong gem that reflects Christ to others.

My body is much more ill than it was when I was 16, but my soul is so much healthier. The correlation is remarkable to me, and – given the opportunity – I would not choose to go back and exchange my health of years ago with my health of today, because, through the pain and trials, I have learned that my relationship with Christ greatly outweighs any suffering in this world.
I am convinced that life is not fueled by minutes, hours, and days; our walk with God is made up of moments. Specifically, the moments when God shakes us from where we are, strikes us with a sight of His mercy, grace, sovereignty and love, and leads us with His mighty hand into a richer relationship with Himself.

Oh, to see Christ! What more could we ever hope for? To think that there was a time when I was so blinded by my pain that I could not see how the Lord was using it for my good! It grieves me to realize how much more I could have been used for God’s kingdom if I had not been sinning in my heart all those years. I still have seasons when I feel like I am in a fog, when I can not see past all the numerous things that are hurting all at once. But even in that isolation I have no doubt that God loves me and that He is being glorified in me, through my faithfulness to follow Him, by the strength He provides.

“I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You’ve told me who I am:
I am Yours.”
“Who AM I”, Casting Crowns (2003)